Worried you’re wasting your time crafting funny, witty FB statuses no one is reading? That all ends here. Just implement a few of these strategies and watch your likes and comments increase exponentially.
1. Jazz Up Your Complaints. We know, we know. You’re so tired, your stomach really hurts, there won’t be a new Glee episode for another week. Half your FB friends already heard these complaints and tirades earlier and the other half are old high school acquaintances and that guy you met three years ago in that club (aka they really don’t care). So to correct the problem, give your woes a little narrative. For example, without a chorus of Gleeks to entertain you, you’ll be reduced playing cats cradle with a spool of dental floss. Or, you couldn’t possibly eat with a stomach as upset as yours, and yet the chocolate cake beckons, moist and fragrant. You’ll at least give the English teachers a little solace in the sea of misspellings and acronyms.
2. Use Multi-Media. No, this does not include randomly re-posting LOLCats. When I want to LOL, I’ll find my own funny cat pictures. Instead, why not use a YouTube clip to tell the story of your day? The way your co-worker took the credit from you and made you feel like you woke up near a candy mountain without a kidney. Or maybe how after taking that second dose of Nyquil you weren’t quite sure this was real life. It’s about time vintage memes started being useful.
3. Embrace the Literal. Instead of forcing wit, simply update us on the status quo. Or show off new status symbols. It’s perfectly acceptable to inform your nearest and dearest now that the manager bumped you up to assistant manager, you’ve shifted your status and can no longer chill with the lower classes.
4. Improve Your Vocabulary. Grab a thesaurus and pretty soon your boyfriend is pulchritudinous, your boss is maniacal, and the sundae you had was ambrosial. Or throw in some phrases in a language you, and the majority of your Facebook friends don’t speak. This burger is delicious is boring. Instead, go with гамбургер очень вкусный is a land of Fabergé egg eggs and Anastasia. Intrigued, right?
5. Create a FB Test. The lemon test is used to figure out whether a law upholds the seperation of church and state by checking 3 criteria. You can create your own test before posting a new status to see if anyone would be remotely interested in that particular musing. Just ask yourself, will I care about this tomorrow?