Dear 12-year-old Lindsay Lohan,
Right now you’re riding high starring in the remake of The Parent Trap. Congrats! It’s a cute movie and 8-year-old me will really enjoy seeing it along with all of your Disney Channel interviews.
I don’t want to spoil your fun, but despite all your adorable promise, things aren’t going to go too well for you. I don’t want to give you many specifics, but let’s just say you don’t look awesome in orange. And normally, I would stay out of it. Live and let live as they say. Watch your burn-out from the corner of my eye and hope you get cast as a drug addict in a Lifetime movie, which would lead to a similar, seedier movie on HBO, which all leads to a nice Golden Globe which you’d accept in a self deprecating yet tasteful orange gown.
But Linds, you’re messing with my nostalgia and that’s just not something I can let go. Watching the last half of The Parent Trap last weekend, I should have been flooded with memories of sitting in a drive-through with my family or making friendship bracelets on the couch. But instead I was distracted by your innocent smile and your utter lack of knowledge of how nasty that smile would become just a mere thirteen years later.
So, my advice to avoid this fate and, more importantly, to give me back my untainted memories, is to go the Drew Barrymore route and get all your vices out of the way when you’re still a kid. At that age, you’re more likely to get sympathy and support rather then scorn. You’re a little late, but if start a serious drug habit right now, you should be able to avoid a few Disney movie missteps, emerge from rehab and your finish your tell-all book tour in time to do Mean Girls.
I know you might not be in the mood to do anything but smile for the camera and buy headbands right now but trust me, getting the rebellion out of your system now is the difference between a 2011 cover shoot for Cosmo and one for Playboy.