Yes, he cheated on you with a skank. On your anniversary. But really Demi it’s not that bad. Ashton Kutcher isn’t all that hot and if he did that to you then he’s a douche anyway.
All that being said, judging from the pic above it looks as though you’re taking the breakup pretty hard. From your jawline and neck to your stick skinny legs, you are disintegrating, girl. All over Ashton Kutcher?!? I don’t think so!
So Demi, snap out of it! Here’s your 5 step plan for powering through this divorce and coming out on top.
1. Eat a hamburger. Because you are too d*mn skinny. And it’s not cute. You want to catch another man, right? Wait, don’t answer that. Read step 2 first.
2. Date someone younger and hotter. Yes, you do want to catch another man and he has to be hotter than Ashton. Which isn’t really all that hard. Why not start with one of the cuties on this list. Ooh, or maybe the hottie Darren Criss from Glee?
3. Eat some ice cream. No really, Demi. You need to eat something. Preferably, things with lots of fat and calories. The look we are going for is not emaciated–we want curvy, sexy, womanly. K?
4. Star in a huge movie. You’ve been in Hollywood long enough. Call some of your old pals and get yourself a role that will take everyone’s attention off the fact that your young husband totally screwed a young chick on your wedding anniversary.
5. Get pregnant! Oh yeah, it’s a thing for older women to get pregnant now. Once you’ve found a new boytoy to replace Ashton, have him knock you up and then flaunt your new happy life in Ashton’s face.
See girl? You don’t need him. But you do need a cupcake–or 10–stat!