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Will Malone

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Will is a total nerd. He loves Joss Whedon, the Green Lantern, and doing funny accents while playing games on Xbox Live. He’s also an accomplished saxophonist and used to write the item descriptions in all the Pottery Barn catalogs. Will is almost as proud to be the newest addition to The Foundist as he is proud to be an Orange Man. Let’s go Syracuse! Connect with him through Google

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You know those people who are constantly checking their phones for emails, texts, Facebook notifications and tweets? It’s kind of rude that they can’t disconnect for a mere 45 minutes during dinner, right? Oh wait, that person is you? Yeah, well, when you’re checking your phone every 5 seconds like a complete spaz during dinner you’re kind of being an d*ck?

But before you get all down on yourself, there’s a solution! It’s called the “Don’t be a d*ck during meals” game and it was created by hip-hop dancer Lil-B.

The game is simple, really. Everyone puts their phone screen down on the table at the beginning of the meal. If someone picks up their phone before the bill comes, they have to pay for everyone’s food. If no one picks up their phone until after the bill comes, everyone pays for their own food. Sounds easy, right?

Wrong.

I challenged  my mother, who just might be the biggest d*ck during meals–after me, of course. As our phones buzzed and beeped throughout the meal, I watched my mom squirm in her seat and I was eyeing my phone the entire time. In the end, we both succeeded in not looking at our phones, but all we talked about during the meal was our phones.

Of course, this game serves a great purpose–it forces people to disconnect and actually talk to one another. Remember talking? Yeah! That’s still a thing people do.

One word from the wise: If you ever try this, turn off your cell phone before placing it on the table!

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On January 13, Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia ran aground into a reef and tipped over. They’re calling it the “Italian Titanic.”

The crash is no doubt tragic, but what’s even more devastating is the recording that came out between the Captain and the Italian Port Authority. Here is a translation… or what I imagine to be the translation if the Captain was a total spastic hypochondriac.

Coast Guard: Tell me if there are women and children and what help is needed.
Captain: Hang on a minute, my leg hurts, I just tripped into a lifeboat.
Coast Guard: What are you doing? Get back on the ship! Are you refusing?
Captain: No. I’m not. I’m just resting.
Coast Guard: Are you refusing to go on board? Why are you not going back?
Captain: I’m trying but there’s a life boat in the way! The traffic out here is horrendous.
Coast Guard: Get on board, that’s an order. You ordered a rescue, now I’m in charge! Get back on the ship! Now!
Captain: I did? Alright, alright stop schvitzing, I’m going.
Coast Guard: Get going, there are already bodies! Go!
Captain: Bodies? How many? I get queasy around shipwrecks.
Coast Guard: You’re supposed to tell me this, Christ!
Captain: You know, it’s just really dark out here. And I forgot my flashlight in the other lifeboat. I can’t see a thing!
Coast Guard: Do you want to go home because it’s dark? Get on the ship and tell me whats going on!
Captain: Isn’t this what you’re paid for? Jeez, you just can’t get good service anywhere anymore.

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It’s a scary world out there on the Internet these days. When you see all those articles about SOPA and PIPA, and virtual protests by sites like Wikipedia, one can only imagine what life would be like with limits and rules on the world wide web. Well wonder no more. Here’s a sneak peek at what wasting time on the Internet would be diminished to if SOPA and PIPA pass…

1. No more Tumblr. If we’re honest, most Tumblr users post amusing GIFs, photoshopped pictures, and content relating to their favorite shows, comics, movies, musicians, etc. With PIPA, none of that would be allowed. Tumblr would basically be posts from travel blogs and amateur photography, and where’s the fun in that?

2. No more watching whatever you want, whenever you want. What do you do when you can’t find one of your favorite shows on Netflix or Hulu? You stream it or download it, both which are frowned upon under PIPA and SOPA regulations. With a more strict Internet, you won’t be able to catch old episodes of America’s Next Top Model or Pretty Little Liars. Even worse, you’d never be able to discover the greatness that is Breaking Bad? Yikes!

3. No more music on YouTube. Unless record labels give the green light, YouTube would essentially be devoid of all popular music. This includes all videos that use another artist’s song in the background and probably all of those videos that let you see lyrics. Didn’t Justin Beiber get his big break on YouTube? See what I mean? The opportunity for anyone in the world to express themselves via mashup covers of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow/I’m Yours” would be gone.

This could be bad, folks. If these laws get passed, the Internet will no longer be a wonderful place to escape real life and procrastinate by looking at photoshopped images of movie stars and dogs.

Sign the petition to stop SOPA and PIPA here.

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