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as seen on facebook

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These boots may at first appear to be myth just like the unicorns they are trying to emulate, but they actually exist! The shoes are sold by Oonacat on Etsy and are made to order and completely customizable. They retail for about $440 (a small price to pay for own hooves right?). But, don’t start galloping for joy just yet, because the boots do come with a warning note by the seller: “Oonacat is not responsible in any way for any harm done to those that wear these hooves, nor is Oonacat responsible in any way, to harm done to those around those that wear these hooves.” In fact, the footwear is so extreme that there is also a video to show you how to walk in your hooves. Lets just say, wearing heels will be a piece of cake after you try these babies on. So why not channel your inner unicorn and switch up your heels for hooves once in a while (just don’t break your neck).

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No, that is not a stuffed animal. Yes, that is indeed a man holding a giant dog.

Why? Well, who knows really. But perhaps the little guy is just as scared as everyone else before a doctor’s appointment. Or maybe the floor in that place was filthy. Or maybe he just needed a hug.

Either way, that pic is simultaneously touching and terrifying.

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If we’re honest, then yes, Facebook is responsible for many of the world’s current woes. Helping people procrastinate when they should be feeding the poor, warping kids brains into thinking it’s okay to post fuzzy cell phone pictures of yourself and yes, even ruining marriages.

But for all the bad, you also have to admit that Facebook has done some good. And it’s about damn time to give MZ and his social media monseer credit for the things its helped fix.

1. Awkward blind dates. Before you’re subjected to a night of uncomfortable silences, you can find the friend of a friend you’re being set up with and check for red flags. Yesterday he liked dogs, 30 Rock and…white supremacy?

2. Small talk. Even if you haven’t seen your second cousin in five years you know to ask her about her boyfriend, her soccer team, and her troubling Twilight obsession.

3. Forgetting to inform friends. Never again will you tell everyone but Becky about your break-up/new job/trip to France. Status update and voila! Becky knows.

4. The end of Did you see this? Just post the adorable cat video. If your friend isn’t even willing to click on it as it floats through their feed, they’re not interested.

5. America’s agricultural industry. Used to be all the young folks wanted to get to the city, but now? They’re all about farms!

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Choosing a single picture that accurately represents who you are as a person and what you stand for is no easy feat. Need proof? Selecting the right Facebook profile pic is like a science. Too playful? You risk scaring away potential employers. Too serious? You risk deterring stalkers who could turn into booty calls.

Some people have mastered the art, and others, well not so much. Learn from these Facebook profile pic fails and update yours accordingly…

What this pic says: “I’m unemployed.”

What this pic says: “I spent a lot of money on that damn wedding and someone’s gonna see these pics.”

What this pic says: “Still haven’t lost the baby weight, but look, it was all worth it.”

What this pic says: “I am the sh*t. I am also a douche.”

What this pic says: “Can’t. Breathe. Can’t. Smile.”

What this pic says: “Can’t tell which one is me? Good. Just keep telling yourself I’m the cutest guy in every pic because I only post photos of me and a bunch of other dudes.”

What this pic says: “Whipped.”

What this pic says: “Photoshop is my friend.”

What this pic says: “Crazy cat lady.”

What this pic says: “Pause. SUPER pause.”

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Like wild animals organized into species, Facebook friends can be grouped and categorized. Some annoy, others entertain and then, of course, there are the stalkers.

Not sure where you and your friends stand? Read these four types and see where you all fall. Might be time to brush up on these.

The Redundants
Think your significant other, your roommate, your best friend. Every time you read Ben just had a delicious hot dog or Michelle really wants new pants, you groan because you know you just shared the hot dog with Ben or you helped Michelle spot the pants. The problem with redundants is the close relationship. Hide their feed and you’ll have to explain to them why you did it when you’re forced to admit you didn’t see that cool video he/she posted. Sorry, you just have to suck it up and keep reading updates about things you just did.

The Secret Police
Think your great aunt who hasn’t mastered Microsoft Word but somehow became a top scorer on Farmville. Or the daughter of your mom’s best friend who still holds the Barbie beheading against you. Basically, the secret police are those people who’s requests you accepted out of a sense of duty, then promptly forgot about. That is until your mom called asking about your new boyfriend or what you were really doing Friday night because this supposed “friend” couldn’t keep his/her mouth shut. Even if you are careful not to friend people you’d really rather not have access to your photo albums, there’s a chance you’re still letting in spies with direct lines to said relatives. Or even worse, you are the spy.

The Curiosities
Almost everyone has a collection of barely-acquaintances: that kid you met at that one party, the guy you had two trig classes with before you dropped it, etc. In an effort to streamline your feed you might consider hiding their updates, but they always suck you back in. Maybe she’s a train wreck you just can’t look away from or maybe he’s an artist who posts his beautiful work (more likely, the train wreck, though). Either way, they keep your feed interesting and that’s why you keep them around.

The Exs
Not limited to former lovers, this category also covers ex-roommates, friends and even bosses. It’s important to note, however, that there are two important subcategories within this “type.” First, there are the genuinely interesteds and then there are the unhealthy obsessions. If you suspect most of exes fall into the former, you should be fine. Keep them around for occasional updates on your shared past, the way you might look at the IMDB page of your favorite child actress to see if she has any projects coming up. If, however, there is even a chance that your exes are the latter, log off Facebook. Right now.

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Worried you’re wasting your time crafting funny, witty FB statuses no one is reading? That all ends here. Just implement a few of these strategies and watch your likes and comments increase exponentially.

1. Jazz Up Your Complaints. We know, we know. You’re so tired, your stomach really hurts, there won’t be a new Glee episode for another week. Half your FB friends already heard these complaints and tirades earlier and the other half are old high school acquaintances and that guy you met three years ago in that club (aka they really don’t care). So to correct the problem, give your woes a little narrative. For example, without a chorus of Gleeks to entertain you, you’ll be reduced playing cats cradle with a spool of dental floss. Or, you couldn’t possibly eat with a stomach as upset as yours, and yet the chocolate cake beckons, moist and fragrant. You’ll at least give the English teachers a little solace in the sea of misspellings and acronyms.

2. Use Multi-Media. No, this does not include randomly re-posting LOLCats. When I want to LOL, I’ll find my own funny cat pictures. Instead, why not use a YouTube clip to tell the story of your day? The way your co-worker took the credit from you and made you feel like you woke up near a candy mountain without a kidney. Or maybe how after taking that second dose of Nyquil you weren’t quite sure this was real life. It’s about time vintage memes started being useful.

3. Embrace the Literal. Instead of forcing wit, simply update us on the status quo.  Or show off new status symbols. It’s perfectly acceptable to inform your nearest and dearest now that the manager bumped you up to assistant manager, you’ve shifted your status and can no longer chill with the lower classes.

4. Improve Your Vocabulary. Grab a thesaurus and pretty soon your boyfriend is pulchritudinous, your boss is maniacal, and the sundae you had was ambrosial. Or throw in some phrases in a language you, and the majority of your Facebook friends don’t speak. This burger is delicious is boring. Instead, go with гамбургер очень вкусный is a land of Fabergé egg eggs and Anastasia. Intrigued, right?

5. Create a FB Test. The lemon test is used to figure out whether a law upholds the seperation of church and state by checking 3 criteria. You can create your own test before posting a new status to see if anyone would be remotely interested in that particular musing. Just ask yourself, will I care about this tomorrow?




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