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as seen on facebook

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As if it’s not bad enough to have almost the same number of Facebook friends as my mom, I’ve started… losing friends over the last few weeks.

I’m not one of those people who overshare or rant or Facebook, so at first I had no idea why these MFers were un-friending me. More importantly, why the eff did you accept me to begin with?

But after conducting an unofficial study of the people who’ve remained my FB friends, I’ve gained some insight I think everyone should facebook with. If you value your FB friends at all, you’ll commit these offenses to memory.

1. They don’t want to see pics of your kid. And to those of my former friends who de-friended me for this reason, I say good riddance. Didn’t really like you anyway.

2. You shamelessly self-promote. Whether you’re a writer or a musician or a photographer, people get annoyed when you constantly like your own work. What they don’t understand is that this is your livelihood, so eff ’em.

3. You have too many causes. They may donate to your aunt’s breast cancer walk. And they might even sign a petition to get healthier food in your kid’s cafeteria. But it stops there. If you’re posting every day about some stupid cause only you care about, it’s only a matter of time before your friends start depleting.

4. Your spelling is atrocious. It actually borders on offensive. If people have a hard time deciphering what the hell you’re trying to stay, eventually they’re going stop trying.

5. So you’ll stop Facebook-chatting them. Facebook is not for chatting–it’s for stalking.

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Spotted in Miami, N.Y.C. and soon enough, in an inner city near you! Behold, the no sagging pants sign.

Don’t you kind of wish they sold these things in bulk? I certainly wish I could go around nailing one up every time I saw a little delinquent’s nasty drawers. I know you’re rocking the latest Louis briefs, but I’m sorry, I just don’t want to see them.

The same, however, goes for thongs. Pull your pants up people!





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