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Top Five

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Damnyouautocorrect has a lot of unspoken sub-genres: autocorrects that make it uncomfortable to look your parents in the face, autocorrects your friends will taunt you for until the day you die, and then, of course, there are the autocorrects that unintentionally end your relationships.

Yes, we’ll concede breakups are usually sad and dramatic, but it’s hard to find the humor in these. Behold, 5 amazingly funny autocorrect break-ups (that people were emotionally ready to post.


Count to ten before you respond.


JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!


Burned, with or without the grill.


Her relationship with the books was completely platonic.


Honesty isn’t always the best policy.

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There are some things you can do everywhere from a park bench to your bedroom. And then, there are other activities that need to stay behind clothes doors. Below, some examples of the latter.

1. Personal Grooming. Anything involving tweezing, clipping, buffing, or polishing of anything on your body should be confined to the privacy of your own bathroom. Notice, I said your own bathroom. It is not okay for me to step on your nail clippings when I get out of the shower.

2. Sex. It seems like this should go without saying, but just for the record, full copulation in a public place should be avoided. This goes double for a confined public place like, say, a bus.

3. Unloading of Family Secrets. A crowded train car is not the proper location to tell your brother he’s adopted. No matter how much you hate him.

4. Angry Breakups. Take a cue from the now infamous Burger King couple. Sure, the public might be entertained by the drama , but do you really want Twitter littered with your problems?

5. Private Cell Phone Conversations. You might not have an issue with talking to your cousin about her STD while you wait in line at Starbucks, but chances are she assumed the talk wouldn’t go any farther than your living room walls.

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Now that Eddie Murphy is out as host of the Oscars… yes, he resigned. Right after Brett Ratner resigned. Right after he said that anti-gay slur. Catch up people! So, now that Eddie is out, who can the Academy get to replace him on such short notice? We’ve got some ideas. 1. Justin Bieber. Kids don’t watch the Oscars, but kids love Bieber. It’s a perfect way to get the youth audience and old people will watch no matter who hosts. 2. Neil Patrick Harris. As Barney Stinson. His gig hosting the Tony’s was great, but it lacked bro-code and sexist jokes. 3. Melissa McCarthy. Everyone loves McCarthy, plus she’s been everywhere this year, from Bridesmaids to the Emmys. Oh yeah, and she’s actually funny. 4. Steven Colbert. If he bombs (unlikely) he can just blame it on all those Hollywood liberals. 5. Keyboard Cat. No pesky writers, not flat jokes, just a little cat rocking out.

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Yesterday the Internet was buzzing with the live tweeting of a relationship on the brink of ruins being hashed out at a Burger King. Yes, Burger King. It seems like in the end those crazy kids reconciled, but it got us thinking where you should and shouldn’t have a break-up. Let’s begin with 5 places you definitely should NOT dump someone:

1. On an Airplane. For so many reasons. Please don’t save ending your relationship for a plane ride. There’s the obvious: you’ll both feel awkward around each other and have no place to go. And if the plane starts going down you’ll have no one to cling to. You should also think of your fellow passengers. As much as no one wants to hear a kid cry for five hours, they want to hear a grown man cry less.

2. At an Amusement Park. A park has some of the same confiment issues of an airplane. Whose hand will you hold if you dump him at the crest of a rollercoaster? There’s also an overall otherworldy-ness to amusement parks that might lead your ex to think you weren’t in your right mind when you instigated the break-up. “Not together anymore? Naw, it was just the cotton candy going to her head.”

3. At a Family Gathering. Introducing a significant other to your family isn’t hard. Explaining why he/she is locked in the laundry room and won’t come out is.

4.The Zoo. The guy you’ve just set free might get a little lonely and decide all God’s creatures deserve that same liberation.

5. The Library. Some of us are reading (jk, we’re checking our e-mail, but still). Plus, we don’t want to hear about all he’s done for you, all the wasted years, all the times he sat through Grey’s Anatomy.

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We are all for Facebook bringing us closer and knocking down walls, but there are just some things that fall into the gray area with regard to their Facebook appropriate-ness. You and a hookah that could be used for tobacco, but probably isn’t? Maybe. A picture of your beach vacation that may or may not have started the day you called in sick. Risky.

The following, however, should never, ever be posted on Facebook. We actually have a call scheduled with MZ (Mark Zuckerberg, that is) to make these immediate grounds for explusion…

1. Your HIV test results. Yes, it’s wonderful news that you don’t have HIV. But Facebook is simply not the place to share this news. It is also most certainly not the place to post the actual test results with all your personal info.

2. Someone else’s news. I’m sure you’re excited about your sister’s pregnancy, but if she hasn’t posted her mom-to-be status, neither should you. One of your 900 friends might be someone she actually wants to tell in person.

3. Drinking if you’re under 21. Maybe you’re 20, maybe your parents wouldn’t care, and the cops probably aren’t trolling for underage arrests online. But it is illegal, and college admissions people and potential employers do check.

4. Naked pictures. You’d think this wouldn’t be something that needs to be said in 2011, but even though Facebook weeds out nudity, save them the trouble and keep your own in a drawer. And while we’re on the subject, before you post naked baby pictures, think of how much your baby will appreciate you holding back when he/she is twelve.

5. Threats. They’ll come back to haunt you when your boss has a mysterious accident…

6. Overt flirting with someone other than your significant other. At best it can lead to a stupid fight, and at worst you can become part of the statistic that 1 in 5 divorces are caused by Facebook.

7. Personal information. This includes, but is not limited to, your cell phone number, birthday and address. Facebook stalking is one thing, actual stalking is another. Don’t make it any easier.

8. Your relationship drama. Yes, your husband may very well be a cheating bastard, but if you decide to take him back, don’t expect all your FB friends to magically forget how heartbroken you were and forgive him, too.

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Facebook is totally addictive. If there’s a computer nearby, you’re on Facebook. Standing in line? Yup, that’s why there are Facebook apps. Considering just how often everyone updates their status, you probably don’t even realize the hours you spend “liking” and commenting. But chances are, it’s excessive. And you might even need help.

Here are 5 signs you need to step slowly away from the FB…

1. You can’t remember your friends face, but you could spot his/her dog and/or baby on a crowded street in a heartbeat.

2.You hear the Facebook chat noises everywhere; they haunt your dreams.

3. You express your thoughts by screaming “Like” at the speaker.

4.In the face of shaking an enemies hand, you run away yelling “friend request denied!” over your shoulder.

5.You clicked on this article out of genuine concern.

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For all of you uncultured people too busy getting caught up in the Kardashian saga, NANOWRIMO, or national novel writing month, is a writing competition with yourself. Think you have the drive to stop playing Angry Birds long enough to complete a 50,000 word novel in the month of November? Then you, my friend, might very well win the whole thing. The prize? Well, having written a 50,000 word novel, of course. Enticing, right? Here are some tips to help you bring home the W.

1. Make arrangements. Buy some blank tapes, set your DVR or have a friend take notes. You’ll be able to focus on your writing knowing you can catch up on all the TV you missed in December.

2. Disconnect. No facebook, twitter, or any social media of any kind. You’ve truly succeed if you friends call concerned you may have died.

3. Keep well-fed and hydrated. This is mostly for the benefit of those around you. A tired, emotionally drained writer is one thing, but a hungry tired, emotionally drained writer is just plain dangerous.

4. Avoid moving billboards. You’re going to be seeing lots of words floating before your eyes when you’re writing–you don’t need to make it any worse.

5. 5-hour Energy. Yes, it probably contains some deadly drug that the FDA will ban in a few years, but you’re going to need enough to last you at least 720 hours.

Source: nanowrimo.org

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One of the unlucky Tri-staters who was stranded indoors with no power this weekend? Yeah, I was too. It pretty much sucked, but in retrospect at least I can say I learned a few things. Take notes:

1. If you use your only flashlight to re-read the entire Harry Potter III, you won’t have any light to do other important things, like finding the bathroom.

2.Playing with candle wax, while a fine way to keep your hands busy without their normal computer and phone diversions, will make it more difficult when you actually need to light said candles.

3. An Eggo waffle will catch fire before it’s actually defrosted by a grill lighter.

4. In inescapable pitch-blackness you will swiftly come to the conclusion that every Halloween horror film you crammed in before the power blew is completely true.

5. Exercising will bring up your body temperature. Exercising wrapped in multiple army blankets is not, however, advisable.

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Worried you’re wasting your time crafting funny, witty FB statuses no one is reading? That all ends here. Just implement a few of these strategies and watch your likes and comments increase exponentially.

1. Jazz Up Your Complaints. We know, we know. You’re so tired, your stomach really hurts, there won’t be a new Glee episode for another week. Half your FB friends already heard these complaints and tirades earlier and the other half are old high school acquaintances and that guy you met three years ago in that club (aka they really don’t care). So to correct the problem, give your woes a little narrative. For example, without a chorus of Gleeks to entertain you, you’ll be reduced playing cats cradle with a spool of dental floss. Or, you couldn’t possibly eat with a stomach as upset as yours, and yet the chocolate cake beckons, moist and fragrant. You’ll at least give the English teachers a little solace in the sea of misspellings and acronyms.

2. Use Multi-Media. No, this does not include randomly re-posting LOLCats. When I want to LOL, I’ll find my own funny cat pictures. Instead, why not use a YouTube clip to tell the story of your day? The way your co-worker took the credit from you and made you feel like you woke up near a candy mountain without a kidney. Or maybe how after taking that second dose of Nyquil you weren’t quite sure this was real life. It’s about time vintage memes started being useful.

3. Embrace the Literal. Instead of forcing wit, simply update us on the status quo.  Or show off new status symbols. It’s perfectly acceptable to inform your nearest and dearest now that the manager bumped you up to assistant manager, you’ve shifted your status and can no longer chill with the lower classes.

4. Improve Your Vocabulary. Grab a thesaurus and pretty soon your boyfriend is pulchritudinous, your boss is maniacal, and the sundae you had was ambrosial. Or throw in some phrases in a language you, and the majority of your Facebook friends don’t speak. This burger is delicious is boring. Instead, go with гамбургер очень вкусный is a land of Fabergé egg eggs and Anastasia. Intrigued, right?

5. Create a FB Test. The lemon test is used to figure out whether a law upholds the seperation of church and state by checking 3 criteria. You can create your own test before posting a new status to see if anyone would be remotely interested in that particular musing. Just ask yourself, will I care about this tomorrow?

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Ah, Etsy, home of vintage hoop skirts, gorgeous illustrations, lampshades hot glued with Legos, and now, exorbitantly expensive Halloween costumes.

But let’s be real:  isn’t any price worth it to not show up to the company Halloween party as the 47th zombie? Start skipping lunch because you’re going to need that cash for one of these surprisingly pricey Etsy Halloween costumes.

If you’ve been yearning to be a depressed muppet… (HereandThere Vintage, $295)

Your kid wanted to be Barney, but you think it’s important to be unique. (missnessamonster, $195)

You couldn’t decide whether to be a butterfly of Elton John, so you went with both. (EnRapturingEnVision, $175)

You were going to be Sonic, but really you’re too chill. (bangbangcrash, $169.52)

You want to seem really on top of pop culture with the new Muppet movie coming out. Or there are some neighborhood kids you really want to freak out when they ring your doorbell. Works either way. (gthorp65, $100)

Source: Etsy

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I drop my paper-thin iPhone, often. I would drop the shit out of that brick. His son might have breathing problems soon, and we’ll...