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To All You Modern Day Mad Men (aka ruthless marketers),

Economy, merchandizing, recession, blah, blah, blah. I never took an Econ class, but I know for a fact that my dad will buy three bags of Christmas M&Ms whether or not you play the Santa fainting commercial in early November. And just like daylight savings, your holiday comercials airing in the first two weeks of November are messing with my internal clock!

Every year I save up just enough Christmas cheer to last twenty-five days. 25 days. That means I’m only floored by modest light displays, googly eyes on candy cane reindeer and Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas for twenty-five days. That also means when you air your montages of holiday glee so early in November, I feel compelled to start caroling and other Christmas celebrations early as well. And you know what that means? By mid-December I’m ready to freak out in the mall Elf-style.

So please, for me, for others like me and for the kids at Macy’s who still believe, cool it at least until after the parade. We’ll still feel enough pressure to stand in line for this year’s Tickle Me Elmo.

Sincerely,

Molly

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The only real way to make yourself feel a little better about watching trashy shows like Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of Beverly HillsSlaughterhouse 90210.

Author Maris Kreizman pairs quotes from literature with screen shots of modern TV shows for funny, yet intellectual mash-ups.

You could even go a step further and actually read the books she quotes… after Jersey Shore goes off, of course.

“An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise.” — Victor Hugo, Ninety-Three

“You can’t keep a cool head when you’re drowning in love. You just thrash around a lot and scream, and wear yourself out.” —Margaret Atwood, The Robber Bride

 “Our fingernails match our toenails, match our lipstick match our rouge…The habit of applying warpaint outlasts the battle.” ― Angela Carter, Wise Children

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Yesterday Jezebel posted a supercut of some classic problem episodes, the kind that had a number you could call at the end, that had you, at eight, thinking pot and caffeine pills were some serious stuff. But as commenters pointed out, some teen shows, like 7th Heaven were just giant PSAs. Yet 7th Heaven, which taught millions of kids the dangers of pissing off your girlfriend’s ex, was snubbed completely. Here are some moments that prove 7th Heaven was one giant problem episode.


Alcoholism

Aunt Julie has a problem with alcohol. And kind of a weird relationship with her oldest nephew.

Guns

Apparently you talk to someone who’s holding you at gunpoint much like you would a spooked horse. I also love his look of shock at the end. You can’t shoot me, I’m Reverend Camden!

Gangs

You hide a diary under a mattress, not the contents of the prop table for Pulp Fiction. It also would have been awesome if the mother stayed in denial a little longer. No wonder Stan can’t sleep, his bed must feel so lumpy!

Cutting

I’m not an expert on self-inflicting harm, but is it normally done at someone else’s house?


Sexual Predators

Where we find out Annie is clairvoyant, and Mary knows how to say no to creepy teacher touching.

And the infamous pot episode that had me for years convinced marijuana carried identical risks to crystal meth.

Drugs

To make the anger, fear, and general disgusted tone of voice make sense, replace joint with “meth lab” or “uzi”

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Starring an African-American supernanny. These American kids won’t know what hit them. Literally!

JK. Deborah Tillman, the star of America’s Supernanny, is actually totally legit. She’s a childcare specialist who owns a bunch of learning centers in Virginia.

America’s Supernanny premieres November 29 on Lifetime.

Source: People

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